christopher575 (christopher575) wrote,

Today's the day

Sometime in late 2005, my mom found me a perfect set of aluminum tumblers. She died before Christmas, which was when I got them. I really love them and have drank my water out of them every day I've been at home since. I hate how much of the color has faded out due to using the dishwasher, but I kept using it because they're small enough that they're hard to clean by hand.

It's been a daily ritual, reflecting on the few years leading up to her death. It was a very dark period for me, and I was rewarded for my personal recovery with a job I hated, bankruptcy, the end of a relationship, and my mom dying before I had a chance to see her again after avoiding my family as much as possible for three years. Every time I filled a tumbler up, every day, I told myself someday I'd be ready to quit punishing myself. Today's the day.

The bottoms aren't heavy and flat enough, so they wobble on the ratty old end table down here in the basement. They don't even hold that much water. And I've been hoping lately that I can have them made into a kinetic sculpture so they can be reborn as part of our beautiful yard.  So here I am, after almost nine and a half years, running the ones that are dirty right now through the dishwasher one last time so they can all be put away until I figure out what's next for them. I've talked to one sculptor already and he's thinking about how to make it work.

I'm ready to stop punishing myself. It's time.

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