christopher575 (christopher575) wrote,

What lies beneath?

I haven't shaven my face completely since back in 2006 or so when the company where I worked was bought by UPS Supply Chain Solutions and they forced everyone in the office to follow their dress and grooming code. Men could have a mustache, and sideburns were allowed as long as they didn't go below the ear. The rules were stupid for a lot of reasons, but the biggest one was that our office was at the cargo area of the airport and we only dealt with customers a couple of times a year. Most of our freight was picked up by union drivers who were not forced into any changes and they showed up at our customers' warehouses with big bushy beards and visible tattoos.

Not being in any position to quit, I had to take it all off.


Hooboy did I hate it. The men in my family have weak chins and strong necks, and my beard builds up such a nice facade. But of course during the 2020 quarantine, everyone stuck inside with no access to beauty professionals starts to turn on themselves. I of course don't specifically want to get rid of my beard, but I have to wonder, what would it look like all these years later if I did? Probably not that different from the photo above. Oh except worse, because at least my hair there is buzzed nice and short. I can pull off this floppy hair I'm working on right now with the beard, but I bet it would look so bad without it.

I had the funny idea that I'd like to do a stunt fundraiser where people could pay to vote if the beard should stay or go. And it wouldn't be the amount of people equaling the amount of votes, every dollar would be a vote. That way, the two sides might try to outbid each other meaning more money for me. But I'm skeptical about people's participation and figured there'd be one vote, for one dollar, to shave. That'd be bad news.

And obviously this is not the right time to try to get people to part with their money. Even if they aren't worried about it, everyone's buying puzzles, video games, alcohol, and weed. So, no sense in risking anything with a fundraiser.

But if anyone wants to see what I look like without a beard now, I'll do it for $4,000. I've also said I'll tattoo the HBO Feature Presentation screen from the '80s on my left butt cheek for the same amount. So if you have $8,000 to part with, you can really change up my look for a while.

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